I love Christmas. It’s miserable cold and the darkness has taken over. Its perfect. You can watch people fall over or play in the snow. There’s crooked snowlanters and snowmen made by kids.

The kid is growing and has two fascinations right now. Everything needs to be drowned in the dogs waterbowl and daycare. He just started, today’s the second day alone. Yesterday he came home with a fat lip. No he didn’t get in a punch-up. He fell over and bit his lip. So he’s not a badass…..yet.

So I have now finally regained that alone time you don’t get as a mum. Can’t say I’ve craved it badly lately but it’s like seeing an old friend and pick up from where you left it last. Nice cosy and awfully familiar.

Well better start with my to-do list for the day. The shops opened just as I finnished my morning coffee.

Remember Lemmy is god.

How it all started..

I thought I’d share my story since it seems many don’t believe or understand how it could be possible.
Last year I came home after work on a busy Friday night, behind the bar, complaining about back pains. Has happened before so I had some painkillers to ease the pain before going in to work the next night.
Instead of getting better it all just seemed to get worse. Around 10 am when my boyfriend got home after work and couldn’t make me feel better we decided to go to the hospital. To make it better I twisted something in my leg/hip area a couple days before so moving all together was a pain in the ass.
Then everything changed. 3 different doctors testing me and asking the same questions over and over they dropped the bomb. “We think you’re having a miscarriage”. I wanted to punch him in the face. Not joking. How can you say that when I know I just need muscle relaxing pills besides I can’t be pregnant. Been using all kinds of protection because of my paranoia. And I’ve taken tests too. All 8 of them were negative!
They started rushing me to a room, several women dressed in white ran around fiddling with me when suddenly there’s hearbeat noises. For a min I thought I’ve just gone insane or its all just a dream. But the pain kicked in and changed my mind. The main lady turns to me and says ” oh it’s alive. You’re having a baby”. My jaw dropped and I said no. There’s no way in hell I can have one. I can’t even take care of myself. It’s not possible. Protection. Not possible. Can’t be. No. Just no. I wanna go home. I’ll suffer the pain. No.
Thee woman nearly slapped me, angrily told me to stop fighting and push. So I did. And all of a sudden theres a tiny greysh quiet blob lying on my very old Roskilde festival sweater I was wearing. I couldnt move.
– “Congratulations it’s a boy”.
I still couldn’t move. Ive never touched a baby before. I avoid children. They are full of questions and disease and no manners. No logic. I don’t understand them and don’t particularly like them. But apparently I’ve got one of my own now.
After nearly 3 days awake because of work, general insomnia and getting the news from the landlord, that he’s sold the apartment and we’ve got 2 months to find aa new place, I finally passed out. But not for long. All doctors still had questions and the nurses had to teach me all kinds of things. And of course I had to study. Study everything there is to know about these tiny helpless creatures.

I have never felt so scared, horrified, confused and lost as that day. 

I choose not to think about that day. Studying every day about what’s the next step and what else I can do never stops. Even if it is an extreme struggle financially, emotionally and mentally. I wouldn’t change it.
But sometimes I’d like to change it back to how it was. Even if it’s just for a little while, to get some rest.